Have you ever wished that you could just take a day off of life and resume the next day? That’s pretty much how I’m feeling after yesterday. I woke up this morning with sinus congestion and pain and just started to weep. Even as I write this I can barely see the screen because I’m crying. I feel lousy. I feel like a failure and a fool. I feel like I want to quit and give up and just forget everything I’ve done over these past twelve years.
Will I give up? No. Will I get through these emotions and move forward? Yes, of course. But the reality is I am super disappointed and sad. I’m sad because things didn’t go as I had hoped yesterday when we interviewed Jamie Grace and my worst fear played out in front of pretty much the whole world. If I could have crawled under a rock and died, I would’ve.
The reason I am so upset about this isn’t because I don’t think Jamie will come back on our show, because from all appearances, I think she will. The reason I’m so upset is because I wanted to do a full on run through beforehand and for various reasons, it didn’t happen. My biggest concern was that there were going to be technical difficulties because we had never done what we were trying to attempt before.
My biggest concern was EXACTLY what happened yesterday and my husband knows this and again, because of numerous circumstances, the run through that needed to happened didn’t. In the future, that will never happen again. In the future if all parties involved aren’t available and things don’t get worked out, the interview won’t happen. It’s that simple. As a leader, it’s my responsibility to make sure preparation is done better and not in the way it played out yesterday. I dropped the ball and that will not happen again.
The other thing that breaks my heart is not only having an A-List guest on the show, who graciously sent out our show on her social media. But when the audience is telling you over and over and OVER again that they can’t hear anything, and all you’re doing is trying to get the sound up, it’s like having a ton of people yell at you, “Hey look you screw ups! Can’t you do anything right? Where is the sound? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!!!!! What are you a bunch of idiots!” And to have the sound not be on ANY platform was completely infuriating. Why Blogtalkradio didn’t work either is beyond me, but seriously, talk about completely feeling like an incompetent fool. We broadcast twice a day and when you have that A-list guest on, who it took a YEAR to book, and nothing works… Yeah.
This harkened back to a decade ago when I interviewed Amy Grant and literally hours before that interview my tape recorder broke. So what did I do, I used a speakerphone and a microcassette player and got the interview that way. When I posted that interview I had a ton of people enjoy it from The Friends of Amy, but then I also had the critics email me and say, “I can’t believe you put out such a lousy recording of an interview with an A-List guest. Don’t you know that when you have someone of such stature you’re supposed to have your A-game on and make them look good!”
And then of course you’ve let your friend down by not putting in their correct Twitter account name and so they “throw you under the bus” under the guise of teasing you about it. I realize that Vicki laughed it off, but the truth is that she wasn’t happy about me messing up her Twitter name and so of course, that just added to feeling like a complete failure.
It’s days like yesterday that make me want to go and work at Wal-Mart and never appear anywhere or do anything ever again for God. #TrueStory
And even though I was able to salvage the audio and video of the interview, it doesn’t matter to me. I feel like all I wanted to do was be a blessing to everyone, and instead, it was just a series of errors that makes me feel like an incompetent person and ministry.
I was in bed crying this morning and thinking about my Dad and of course the Lord and just thinking, that He is the only One who really gets it. I know my husband does too because he ultimately feels like it’s all his fault.
And ya know, the truth is that Randall and I try really hard to offer up our best. We pour so much time and effort into the things we do for others and rarely do we ask for anything back. If people could see all that Randall does and how much of his big heart tries to serve others and if people cared enough to see me and how hard I try to serve others and be a blessing, maybe people would get it. I don’t think anyone will ever know how much we do and invest without receiving any type of anything for it, and ultimately it doesn’t really matter all that much anyway.
What matters to me is trying to be a blessing to others. In this case, I just wanted to bless Vicki by giving her the opportunity to interview someone she admires. My hope is that this interview would’ve been seen and heard and that Vicki would’ve been blessed all the more. Instead, I screwed it up. Technology broke and I feel like I never want to book another interview again with anyone.
Is that all or nothing thinking? Yup. It is. And I have a right to my feelings, because my feelings matter. Did Vicki get to talk to Jamie and have a good conversation? Yes, and for that I’m grateful. However, it doesn’t change the presentation and failure that our show was yesterday.
And ultimately it doesn’t change God’s love for me. Right now I don’t feel very loved by anyone else and so if this experience shows me anything, it’s just that God loves me no matter what, and He isn’t going to throw me under the bus because I made a few mistakes and He above all else knows the extent of my love and motives and behavior and purpose in all that I do.
In the end it isn’t about me anyway, it’s about Him. How He plans on using this for His glory, I have no clue. I don’t see how any of it is usable, but then again, He’s God and I’m not. I have to deal with my own depression and sadness and disappointment and run to Him for my comfort because one thing I know, other humans are incapable of giving me what I need.